Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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