PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
