I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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