i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
