What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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