So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
