I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
