The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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