I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
