I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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