WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I need to align my fucking chakras
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
