90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
this will be a night to untag.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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