I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
