Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
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