Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
