The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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