If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
