I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
