he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
