The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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