So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
