Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
