It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
