yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
