someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
