i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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