She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
