the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
