Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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