There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
