Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
