I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
