i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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