haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Randomize
