It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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