I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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