The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
