Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
