Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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