Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
