Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
