he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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