i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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