Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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