Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
