I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
