I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
