also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
