Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
