Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
