it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Last time i carry you out of a forest
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
