yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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