Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
