Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
sarcasm needs its own font
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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