I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
