final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
