i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
