1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
