4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
