but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
