whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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