Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
