on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
