i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
