your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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