There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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