God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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